My Year In Denial
Originally posted 9/7/2016 at Kimmers’ Erotic Book Banter
Grif’s Toy, and its newly released sequel, Wes’ Denial, both deal with a topic near and dear to my heart: Tease and Denial (T&D). Wikipedia defines T&D as “…a sexual practice or sex play in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm…” I call it bliss.
If you happen to follow me on social media then you’re probably already aware of my and the hubz’s self-styled D/s relationship, so I won’t delve into that again here. And, you’re also likely aware of my year spent in T&D. However, if you’re not, a few months ago – July 4th, 2016, to be exact – I both celebrated, and concluded 365 days of denial. It was a journey like none other I’ve taken.
Not coincidentally, the character Grif enjoys many of the same kinks I personally do. The two primary being: SPH (small penis humiliation) and Tease & Denial. Also not coincidentally, the two kinks are intimately intertwined for both the character and myself; Grif finds pleasure and gratification in being denied due to his size and so do I. The hubz and I engage in T&D as part of our D/s relationship, but with an interesting twist; whomever initiates an individual T&D session is also the one who determines when it comes to an end. Meaning, although D/s is nearly always a component of our sex life, T&D isn’t. Indeed, the vast majority of the time we both enjoy an orgasm. However, there are times when one of us ‘decides’ I won’t be allowed one. In the past the length of time a session lasted was no more than a few weeks. However, this last time – the one I initiated – continued for exactly a year.
I’ve written before on the extreme pleasure I derive from T&D. The beautiful, nearly euphoric state of continual hyperarousal being just one of the components of that enjoyment. It’s a strange state to live in – and for a year noless – where nearly every waking moment is either spent being aroused, or thinking about sex. That incredible feeling is what allows any given session to continue. It’s what allowed me to endure a year of being deprived. Another is what I’ve heard other denialees comment about: the orgasm not being worth it. Meaning, the 15 or 20 seconds of intense, awesome pleasure at release is almost instantly replaced by the feeling that you’ve returned to day one…that you’re starting over. If you’ve never experienced that hyperarousal firsthand, it’s difficult to convey the gravity, the complexity, or the enormity of that statement. Indeed, after orgasm I immediately return to feeling ‘normal’ again. Not that normal is bad, but it is a completely different feeling – a completely different way of living.
I’ve been asked what the conclusion felt like; having an orgasm after a year of living in T&D. Putting those feelings into words, even for me as a writer, is very difficult.
* First is the duration. I never intended it to last as long as it did. In fact, I had no reason whatsoever to believe that particular session would be any different from all the others; i.e. I honestly thought it’d last a few weeks at the most. However, as time passed, the anal retentive overachiever that I am – aided by the fact that I continued to derive pleasure from the experience – repeatedly reared its head and I kept setting new goals. Almost before I knew it, a year was approaching. And again, my anal retentiveness kicked in…a year had a very nice ring to it.
* Second is the constant struggle. Despite how pleasurable majority of the year was, there were times when the conflicting desires felt overwhelming. We’re designed to release when our bodies tell us to. Indeed, every fiber of my being screamed at me to simply succumb every time I neared the precipice. Without question each of the 3,600+ instances I ventured toward the edge (I’ve talked about denialees’ love of numbers in past posts) an almost unignorable need pulled at me to just let go.
* Third is the journey itself. Venturing down a path I hadn’t yet traveled was exhilarating. Each day was a virtual cacophony of feelings where no two days felt exactly the same.
In the following excerpt from Wes’ Denial, we join Grif and Wes in their bedroom. Grif is seated on Wes’ lap after having been caught pleasuring himself in the shower.
“Wes…” He sighed while finding a spot on my chest and staring at it. “I swear to you, I never squirt. Ever!”
I nodded and then gently prodded, knowing full well he was under no obligation to divulge anything; hell, he could tell me to fuck off and he’d be perfectly within the bounds of our rules. “How many times, Grif?”
This wasn’t going to be easy for him, but I felt we needed to talk about it—either now or later—because routinely and secretly breaking rules would erode and possibly cause irreparable harm to the Chocolate side of our relationship. If only due to the psychological effect doing so would have on him; he felt a deep need to abide by them. I was certain breaking them, and then keeping it a secret, would emotionally wear on him.
I reached up and took hold of his chin. Bringing his eyes to mine, I waited.
He swallowed. “Three or four.”
I was thankful he’d decided to talk about it. “Which is it, love, three or four? If I’m not mistaken, you know the exact number.”
He nodded. “Counting this morning, it’s four.”
“So you’ve broken the rules four times in the last year?”
“No,” he said quickly. “All four times have been in the last few weeks.”
I let go of his chin and stroked the tops of his thighs. “Is there something different about the last few weeks?” I felt like I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from him.
He nodded and then hesitantly added, “Well…um…you know how many orgasms I’ve been allowed, right?”
I smiled and took his fidgeting hand from my chest and intertwined our fingers. “Of course I do, babe. I give them to you. Or, in this case, I gave it to you—you’ve had one in the last three weeks.”
“And we have sex everyday. Most days, multiple times. I mean, it’s not as if we’re not having sex—quite the opposite; we’re having lots of sex and I’m not coming.”
“You’re absolutely right; no one could ever accuse me of ignoring you sexually. But?”
He sighed in slight exasperation. “Wes.”
“Okay,” he began and pulled his fingers away from mine. “Fuck, you want me to say it, is that it?”
I gently slid our hands back together. “If you don’t, then I’ll be left to assume. Is that what you want our life to be based on—assumptions?” Bringing the back of his hand to my lips, I kissed it. “Just talk to me. Tell me exactly why you broke our rules.” I held his steady, frustrated, glassy gaze.
“I broke them because I’m horny. Because I long for—because I burn for—release. I feel like a cat in heat that’s losing all self-control. In short, I broke them because I’m fucking weak.”
He took a deep breath and swallowed with a small shake of his head. “I know you’re…upset…and you have every right to be. But I can’t even begin to convey the profound disappointment I feel toward myself.” He squeezed my hand harder and used the other one to swipe at his moistening eyes with irritation. “I am exactly where you want me to be. And by…pleasuring myself, even though I don’t squirt, it does, briefly anyway, alleviate some of the anxiety. That’s taking something that belongs to you—my pain and frustration—and tossing them unimportantly aside so I can feel better.”
His chest heaved and his breath momentarily caught.
“I can’t even begin to tell you how much that hurts me, Wes. There are no words to convey the depth of my commitment to you. I was so proud…. No. I am proud of that commitment, and it tears me up to know that I’ve failed you. That I’ve failed us.”
I didn’t even try to hide that I was too choked up to speak. I shook my head as I regained control of my emotions. Quietly we sat there, my hands resting on his thighs again and his once again on my chest, just looking into each other’s eyes. “I love you more than life itself, Grif. I hope, with all my heart, that you know that. That you feel it in everything I say and in everything I do. I cherish you beyond words.”
With a loud clearing of my throat, I smiled up at him. “What can I do to help? Do you need more orgasms? Less teasing? Tell me what you need, babe.”
How do I wrap up all of the above – and more – into a coherent post? It seems impossible. Add to that the knowledge that an orgasm would bring with it the conclusion of a chapter; I’ll likely never again experience 365 days of T&D. And, of course, there was a bit of fear. Fear I’d never expected. Would all the parts still work? What if it wasn’t pleasurable, but somehow physically painful – due to the duration of unuse?
All that said, what was the end like? In a word: emotion-filled. And, because of the aforementioned, not incredibly enjoyable. I realize this may not be exactly what some might expect; talk of tears, of a bit of sadness, of fear, of anxiety. But I assure you, all of it was a welcomed part of an incredible experience. Oh, and the fireworks, the bliss, the absolute pleasure of release? All of those came about fifteen minutes later with the second orgasm. *winks*
My personal journey, as Grif’s in Wes’ Denial, was profound, challenging, and one of the most gratifying experiences of my life thus far.
My hope for the future – for myself, and all of you – is never-ending, fulfilling, and exciting journeys!