Fear and Trust
Originally posted 10/23/2014 at The Blogger Girls
Eighteen months ago I embarked on a thrilling new journey. The goal of this journey? Write a good book.
I’d set this goal after years of dreaming about it—of longing for it. I’d also set this goal with no practical novel writing experience. Sure, I’d taken the same mandatory English classes in high school and college that most folks do, but there wasn’t a single thing in my background which told me I could do this.
What took me so long to do it? Fear. Plain and simple. However, I desperately pushed the apprehension to the back of my mind as I sat in front of my MacBook and began to type. Once I’d mustered the courage to actually start, the words just seemed to flow from my fingers and onto the page. It was almost magical, and in the span of 4 weeks I’d written 120,000 words.
The next difficult step came after I’d typed that final period and called the book’s first draft done. The difficult step to which I refer? Letting other people actually read it. That terrified the ever-living-fuck out of me. Sure, I was worried whether or not I’d done a good job. But, beyond that was the concern of what would people think—it’s an erotic-romance D/s novel after all. (It’s what my fervently religious grandmother would have deemed smut.)
Each of holds that concern, to some extent, don’t we? The fear that we’ll be judged, the fear that we’ll be seen as weird or freaky, the fear that we’ll be looked at as deviants. But, then it hit me, being gay I’ve been seen as a deviant most of my life…why not add a bit more ‘strange’ to the mix? *smile*
I’d achieved the first part of the goal; I’d written Grif’s Toy. As for the second part—the part about writing a ‘good’ book—I’d only know for sure if I allowed people to read it. Like Grif, our protagonist, I’ve had to bite back my fear many times over the course of this journey and just trust. And, also like Grif, I’m really glad I did! I hope you are as well.